“I don’t want to feel pain anymore, how do I make it go away?”. This was a client request just months after the loss of her mother. She wanted to reach a place of acceptance ASAP and no longer wanted to feel the grief emotions.
I understand this because I did a similar thing in my first grief experience. I didn’t like the feeling of not being in control of the grief beast and felt unsettled by the idea that it would never go away. So in my need for control, I wanted to push through it – and quickly.
The thing is, you can’t hurry grief along and you certainly don’t want to fight with it or struggle against it. It will inevitably win. There’s no quick fix for grief – especially in coaching – and there’s no short cuts either. Does that sound kinda depressing?
Hear me out…
#1 You’re not broken and don’t need fixing. Fixing a broken object is a process that requires a solution. You are not an object and your grief is not a symptom of you being broken. Therefore, you don’t need a solution. Loss is irreversible, so it’s about choosing a path and staying the course until it leads to a better place.
#2 Acceptance is misunderstood. It’s often confused with the idea of being “all right” or “OK” with what’s happened. This isn’t the point of acceptance. In my experience, most people won’t ever feel OK about their loss. It’s more a case of accepting the reality that a loved one is physically gone and recognising that this is the new permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we can accept it.
#3 Acceptance is just the beginning, not the end. It’s a can opener for the real grief. I don’t have the answers here, except to say that you keep going and eventually you will come through whatever needs to be worked through.
#4 Accepting the grieving process is a darn good place to start. It will be messy and unpredictable. It’s unique to you and as complex as the loss you’re grieving. There’s no timeline and it will surely make you question your own life. But, it can also be a great teacher of life lessons and lead to positive transformation.
#5 Mindful grieving will go a long way to helping you accept the grief, as well as conserve your energy for when you truly need it. You can confront your grief in a compassionate and the gentle manner.
…grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. The Serenity Prayer.
Be Your Own Acceptance.
Above all, I encourage you to be brave and allow the grief in. In fact, embrace it with open arms and be curious about what it has to offer. One of the most helpful perspectives I was able to stay open to, is that life is happening for me and not to me. I felt better able to turn my shit to fertiliser.
Ask questions of your grief and be willing to listen to what it needs. I’ve heard it said that, as ‘grief decreases, acceptance increases’. If acceptance is to be at peace with what’s happened and feel able to look forward without the pain, then grief is the process that will take you there.
Have you had enough and want to find acceptance?
Wherever you are in your grief journey, I can step besides you and we’ll walk the rest of the way together. We’ll journey together to arrive at a place of acceptance and inner peace. We’ll use a variety of tools and techniques to get you unstuck and gain freedom from your grief. Ask for more information or to explore if we can work together.